Write Your Own Story

 

Module One Skype - 16th November 6pm

Yesterday's discussion was interesting if somewhat discombobulated. We discussed some aspects of the Diagram and ways of approaching it, or 'synthesising' all the different elements of your practice to give a view of it, and from this we moved into discussing mentality, with a lot of focus on our attitudes towards ourselves as well as separating your practice and your identity - or not, as the case may be. 

One thing that stood out to me was the idea that in your training you are stripped down and then built back up how they want you to be. This resonated very strongly with me. Cue story time.

When I got to college we were all taken back to absolute basics, I don't think we were even allowed to pirouette until week two or three. They taught us how to stand, how to walk, and how to tendu like none of us had ever been in a ballet class before. To be honest for a while there it felt like we hadn't. 

We were all individual people from different places with different backgrounds, different experiences, different skills, different dreams, and different mindsets. And day after day we were put in the same room, wearing the same uniform, doing the same exercises, learning the same techniques, and being moulded by the same teachers like little ballerina and jazzicle clones. 

Don't get me wrong I am a fan of discipline, more than most of my peers were (or are), so for a while I didn't see a problem as we were there to be trained and that's undoubtedly what was happening. Our technique improved, our vocabulary increased and our bodies developed with us. And we enjoyed what we did. 

But somewhere along the line it seemed something was amis. We were all the same, we all looked the same, we all did everything the same way. And they didn't like that. Pardon? Did we not just spend several months sweating our tights off and doing as you asked? 

The problem was we were so heavily focused on solidifying technique and being 'good dancers' that we stopped being artists. 

I remember one of my dearest teachers saying to me one day, never lose your love, never lose your fire, never let your focus on bettering your technique drown your individuality, because that's what makes you special. Do it but do it your way.

This was particularly important for me to hear. My technique was not the best in the class, by a long way. I didn't have the best facility or pirouettes or 190 degree kicks, and the constant comparison and self-critique gradually tore me apart. I didn't have to be the 'best', that was never a goal, but when you're lined up like clones doing the same thing - and you're a human with functioning eyesight - you can easily feel you are below par and get lost in a self-detrimental cycle that takes your confidence and self-expression. And expression and individuality was my strength, so rather than balancing the scales, they were tipping the other way.

To that end, as much as I appreciate the training and safe/solid technique we were receiving, I wonder if we were lacking a holistic person-centred approach in our training that resulted in us being told our technique was good but we had no individual expression and our artistry had been lost. Surely these things should be nurtured together from day one? Training technique and then saying 'now be an artist' isn't really how it works.

Fostering an idea of countless dancers with the same style and technique is arguably what leads to dancers feeling, and being regarded as, disposable. This perfectionism and non-existent mutual target that not only isn't achievable but damages artistry and individuality along the way is nothing but a goalpost for poor mental health.

A few people in our discussion remarked how they felt they had become themselves after college when they got out into the world and were able to figure out who they really were, and determine how much they needed to separate their personal identity and worth from their practice. I have to admit, even though I haven't got into the professional field yet, since graduating I have already leant a great deal about myself, about what was really happening in my training, and about who I want to be as a person, as a dancer, and as an artist. 

Perhaps COVID was actually a catalyst for these reflections. Where I would have been busy getting to grips with my first professional job and navigating the industry, I've had a lot of time to look back and see how I got to where and who I am, and consequently what I do and don't want to take forward when I do get to that job. I don't expect it to now be easy and I certainly don't expect to have the same grounding as a dancer who has been working, but rather I think I'll at least be more informed about myself and have better regard for myself than I would have done.

So my main take away from this is only you can frame who you are. Other people can try, and they probably will, but whatever they come up with cannot be your truth. However long it takes, it's important to reflect on who you are, which parts of the past have defined you, which parts are not yours but projections you want to let go of, and what it is you stand for. You will continue to develop and progress over time so your frame may look different in a year or five years to how it looks now, but that should mean it's a little clearer, a little stronger, and a little more beautiful every time it's adjusted.

People, influences, pressures, disasters, and successes will all come and go in your life, but you remain the constant. So look after yourself and your practice because no matter where you go, those are what are coming with you. Write your own story and enjoy the writing. Don't rush to the end or you'll miss the good bits.

Do it, but do it your way.

Keep going on the essays and artefacts everyone! x